"Mixed Marriages"

I was talking with a friend who is a member of an atheist group that is having a meeting focused on whether a "mixed marriage" can work. By "mixed marriage", they mean a marriage between an atheist and a theist. (Just so that I am clear, when I say “atheist”, I mean a person who does not believe in god, or is not a “theist”. A “theist” is a person who believes in some form of supernatural being(s) that is not subject to the same laws of nature as all other entities in the universe.) I remember that I blogged on this a couple of years ago, and had come to the conclusion that it wouldn't work for me. I looked back at that entry, which is no longer on the Internet, and I still agree with my reasoning. I am reproducing it below for those who might be thinking about this issue themselves. However, I should add one thing that is not entirely clear from the original blog entry: the reasoning makes sense in the context of my life, but I am uncertain whether it would apply to all other atheists out there, or even all other people who ascribe to the same basic philosophical and ethical system as me. (Two atheists can be diametrically opposed as to the underlying philosophies that makes them atheist.) The reason for my uncertainty is because one of the major values for marriage that I listed was "companionship", which, for me, would mean talking with my spouse about philosophical issues that would be a constant reminder that I am an atheist, and if she were not an atheist too, then it would be a point of constant conflict. (Such conflict would become tedious –like having to debate with someone about whether the Establishment Clause means a total separation of church and state at a party –since parties are supposed to be light and relaxing, not a courtroom.) I suppose it is possible that there are less philosophically inclined atheists out there, who might be less interested than I am in discussion of the issue of the nonexistence of the supernatural, and issues related to it, and that this might be okay, given the context of their particular life, but this raises another issue for me, which is: How much philosophy and ethics should a person study? I am simply uncertain at this point if my interest in these philosophical issues is unique to my particular context, or should be universally held in greater interest than most people seem to hold them today. So, for now at least, I have to say that this is my own choice, and that I am not prepared to think less of other atheists because they think that they can have a successful marriage with a particular theist.
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Date:August 16, 2005
Title:Why I Don't Date Theists
Entry:Some of my friends seem to have issues with the fact that I won’t date non-atheists. I find it rather curious that they seem to take it as such a personal insult, so I’ve decided to go over my reasons. If you are reading this and you don’t know me personally, I don’t know if you will find this useful or not, since it is directed primarily at people that know me. I can easily sum up in a single sentence the reason I don’t date theists: there would be no point to it.

To understand why I say that dating a theist would be pointless, it is necessary to go over my reasons for wanting to find a wife at all. I see three primary reasons for a romantic relationship. These are: companionship, children, and sex. One of these, namely having children, I regard as optional, but I have included it because I might like to have children someday if I met the right woman, although I would probably opt for adoption because I don’t see any point in “manufacturing” more babies when there are already plenty to choose from. Also, even if I don’t ever have children, I think that it can be a perfectly rational desire. The other two reasons for romance I think are universal, and would be included in the list of reasons for marriage that any rational person would give. There are numerous bad reasons to become romantically involved, most of which involve peer or family pressure, but I want to stick to a discussion of the rational basis for desiring romance. If I were to date a theist, none of the three values I have discussed would be satisfied.

Starting with the value of companionship: I couldn’t talk about philosophy or my writing with a theist because so much of what I think, read, and write about involves a commitment to reason that includes a recognition of the fact that there are no supernatural beings. This would mean that a very large portion of my life would be off-limits to discussion with her, or that every discussion would turn into a full-blown philosophical argument. I think that such an adversarial relationship with my romantic partner would be a tedious drain, and that I would quickly tire of being around someone so unpleasant. Even if she were somehow honestly mistaken about being a theist, I would have to spend my days acting as her teacher. Such a teacher-student relationship is not a relationship of equals, and I think that a romantic relationship should be a relationship of equals.

The next value that would be thwarted by marrying a theist would be raising children. The only reason I can see to have children is the enjoyment and satisfaction you would get from teaching your kids the right ideas. If my wife were a theist, then one of us is going to have to abdicate our role as parent, and if I had to do that so that she could fill their heads with Christian nonsense, then what would be the point of my having children? What possible value would having children with a theist bring to my life? If I refused to abdicate my role as parent to my theist wife, then I would once again be fighting a daily philosophical battle with her. The only other option is that my wife has abdicated her role as parent, in which case she is a very weak-willed person that I couldn’t respect, so I wouldn’t stay married to her for very long.

Pursuing romance with a theist just so that I can have sex seems equally pointless to me. First of all, it seems rather shallow to want to date someone just so that I can engage in the physical act of sexual intercourse with her. Furthermore, I think that I would quickly loose interest in a woman who was irrational, and with my loss of respect for her, my desire for her would also quickly fade. This means I would have to become promiscuous, going from woman to woman, which I think would quickly destroy my desire for sex altogether. I can achieve sexual gratification through masturbation, so what is the point of lying to a woman, and telling her that I love and respect her when I really don’t just so that I can get her into bed?